Sunday, October 02, 2005
Past Catching Up With Present...Thinking About The Future!
Recently a good friend of mine posted about her love for her husband and it inspired me to post about mine too. I intended on coming here and telling you all that my love for my own husband has never been stronger and that I am looking forward to the rest of my life with him. We have been through so many ups and downs over the past twenty one years and we always found our way back to the place we are at now no matter what our issues were. Well, recently something has happened to make it so I question this whole post. Before you all gasp and think I'm shallow and undeserving of my husband, nothing at all has happened that might jeapordize my marriage...but something has happened that made me stop and think and I'd like to share it with you.
In the past couple of years I have been very involved with our town recreation group and it has given me the opportunity to get reacquainted with people from my past. I have reconnected with many of my former classmates and I've enjoyed that so much, just as any of you would. At the start of this fall football season, a couple of friends from the rec committee approached me to see if I would be willing to help out with concessions because they couldn't get commitments from many of the kids parents so I told them I'd help. My daughter is helping to coach one of the cheerleading squads so I have to be at the games anyway so I didn't think it was a big deal...and I actually enjoy doing it. The guy in charge of the football season is also an old flame. It is a very old flame, we went out for about two months back in high school. And I am ashamed to say that he is a much younger guy. When we dated I was a senior and he was a freshman. I think that's why it didn't work out between us. Well, working closely with him again this fall has made me realize that if my husband weren't in the picture there would be an attraction there that might not be able to be stopped. As with any situation of this kind there is always some kind of harmless flirting that goes on, all of you know that. I bet at your own work places there is a certain amount of flirting. So over the past month or so there has been harmless flirting taking place between this guy and me. Hubby is usually around and we have even flirted right in front of hubby, and hubby goes right along with it telling the guy to take me any time he wants me. It's all in fun! Until today and I looked at the guy differently. I caught myself many times checking out the guys butt and wondering what it would have been like if it would have worked out all those years ago. This hasn't been a one sided flirting here, the guy is the one that starts the flirting every time we are together. And when I say flirting, it's rather innocent...we talk or comment on something that happened in the past, or like today we talked about how I'd never let my own daughter chase a boy three or four years younger than her, and he piped right up and said that it didn't stop me from liking him so there was a double standard in the way I'm raising her. It's all like that kind of stuff every game day. I can honestly say that this guy is still as hot looking to me now as he was over 20 years ago. His personality is terrific and I find myself looking forward to our next conversation. Now, as far as the way I feel about my husband, I have never loved him more. We are falling in love all over again and I still fully intend to stay with him forever. At the same time I just can't seem to ignore this old attraction to my former crush. I know that even in the best of marriages, it's normal to be attracted to someone else. It's all a part of life. That doesn't mean that you act on those attractions...and I have absolutely no intention of acting. Still, it makes my heart heavy to know that I have an attraction to someone other than my own husband. I feel like I'm not being faithful...I feel like because there is an attraction I should be questioning how I feel about my husband...I feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I know I'm not. Is it ok to have this kind of attraction? Does it mean my marriage is in trouble? And what does this mean for the future? Will we be able to hold this love together after the child is out of the house and we are alone together again? Or will I want to act on attractions such as this one? If I had to answer my own questions, I have to say that I do think this type of attraction is normal and that almost every woman (and Man for that matter) experiences them once in a while. It doesn't mean my marriage is in trouble because of it...hey, I can go and look at this really hot guy and then come home to hubby and maybe it will enhance sex even more than it already is. The future is what it will be...nobody can determine what might happen down the road. And I honestly don't think I'd EVER act on this type of attraction, it's not like I'm crushing on this guy again, I just think he's nice and hot and interesting! I'd like to know if any of you have felt this way before. And if you have, did you feel like a bad person for it? Life can change at any given moment and none of us know what the future holds...all we can do is go through life one day at a time and try to be honest with ourselves and be happy. I hope you enjoyed this post, it really helped me to figure out my own feelings. I guess that's what blogging is all about!
I know I've posted often lately, I still would love comments to other posts I've written recently, like the one before this with my daughter's problems, and the one before that, the seven questions thing, it's kind of fun! So dont' forget to go read those ones again also, and comment to your hearts content! Love to you all...
