It goes along directly with my mood today. I have some things on my mind that are troubling me and just can't seem tot shake them so I figured maybe if I blog about them I'll be able to see stuff in a different way...

Lets start with money, since it seems to be the biggest topic around here lately. Hubby has been working his hiney off and there still just never seems to be enough. We aren't BEHIND on anything, we just don't have anything extra to play with and haven't for a very long time. I'm beginning to stress about Christmas, (and this is something I promised myself I wouldn't do this year after last years many family issues) and I'm getting tired of sitting home day after day because I don't feel right spending money on gas to do NOTHING! I thought this week would be a little easier, Hubby came home the other day happy to tell me he was receiving a gain-sharing check, but when I went online this morning, even with the gain share the paycheck isn't really any bigger than a regular check after Uncle Sam bounced him into a higher tax bracket. So, even though there is a LITTLE extra, it's not enough to make me feel "comfortable" again. I AM happy that the truck will be able to get a new set of feet on it so maybe it will stop hydroplaning all over the road. After the feet, there won't be much left to get moving on that gift list for Christmas though.

Let that bounce us into the next topic...CHRISTMAS! This used to be my favorite time of year and I always started my shopping in July so I could have the October/November/December time frame to work on new recipes and crafty ideas. For the past several years though the gift list for approximately 27 people didn't get even looked at until after Baby Girls birthday. No exception this year either...Baby Girls birthday was last week and here I am beginning that dreaded list. The list has dropped off drastically from 27 to around 19 (that is IF I'm counting right this early in the morning) . Some on that list will get "food" gifts so I'm not worried about them, there is always flour and sugar and cocoa in the house! But now I have the task of trying to find the money to buy things for 12 kids and two sets of parents. I don't even know where to begin. Hubby and I had decided that we were going to just put cash or gift cards in envelopes and deliver them to each persons tree this year. He will be working a lot of overtime in December so we already know that joining in on the family festivities is out. After talking with a couple of other family members, we began to rethink the whole "cash in an envelope" thing because it isn't a very Christmas-like and thoughtful way of giving. Lord knows I wouldn't want to piss off anymore members of the family! So now we are back to making a list of gifts to be bought and that leads to the next problem. I had emailed one of the family members to ask if she thought her son would prefer the cash or a gift (keep in mind this kid is extremely difficult to please and buy for), and if she knew if the little ones in the family needed new sleds. Her email reply to me was one sentence..."I refuse to even think about Christmas until AFTER November 12th"! This really rubbed me the wrong way, all I was doing was asking a couple of very simple questions I thought. So I ask you this, am I wrong in starting conversations about Chrsitmas this early in the year? It seems every time I bring up the subject to anyone, (and yes lately this has ben a daily topic of conversation) people start getting all pissed off at me. Me being the person I am and not allowing myself to take anyones crap think about it as "Too Fucking Bad! It's an issue with Hubby and I right now and I'll talk about it all I want!" Still, I don't really want to allienate the family because of it. If I knew how to get the issue out of my head I'd stop bringing up the subject!

Lets talk about sister issues...since this is the next thing troubling my mind...First let me bring you all up to this point. My sister and I are like night and day and have never really gotten along. A few years ago something happened and she got pissed off and we both said some things that shouldn't have been said and to make a very long story short, we haven't spoken in about three years. Not even a hello! Yes we show up at family events and steer clear of each other. Until recently... a few weeks ago, when my mother went to the hospital with the mess on her legs, sister dear started talking to me again. I knew at the time that it was because she was trying to get information about Mom's medical problems and of course I told her everything. Now, almost three months later, she is coming to my house for different events, visiting with her kids, and acting like nothing ever happened. I'm ok with this, the whole time we haven't spoken I have told myself and others that if she walked back into my life I'd be willing to sweep everything under the rug, with not hesitation. Well, here we are and even though it's nice to be able to be in the same room with her, the same old issues that tore us apart are still surfacing and I walk on eggshells when she's around. I hate this feeling! Because of circumstances that have happened, not only with my sister, I don't trust ANYONE and I expect anyone that is a part of my life to stomp on my heart at any given moment! That's why I refuse to let anyone get that close to me again! Maybe that's why I love animals so much...they are the only creatures on earth that will give you true unconditional love! Why do you think I have three cats? If I could handle more I'd have them in a heartbeat!

Job issues...that's the next thing troubling me. I applied for the coaching postion at the school and now it's a waiting game to see if I'll get called on it. I really want the job but I still feel a little under qualified to do the job professionally. I know that if anyone else applies for the job it wil go to the interview stage and I completely bomb at interviews! I also know that most other candidates will have more training for the position than I do so I highly doubt if it comes to interviewing that I will actually get the job! I have mixed feelings about this...I'd really feel bad not getting the position but it certainly would be nice to just be a parent in the bleachers at these games for a change! It's been a very long time since that has happened! My stomach is all fluttery and I sit at home everyday waiting for the phone to ring and it still hasn't. Even if the phone rang and I GOT the position, I'd still be all stressed out and nerved up about my capabitlies. Am I taking on too much or is this something I can handle? Of course, I WILL do the job if it is offered to me because the money would come in really handy right now (even though its a stipend position and I wont' see that money til at least March).

So once again Julie is a complete stressed out mess. I'm trying not to be this way and I really am a positive person at heart! I think it's just one of those days and I really can't seem to get a grip on life. For those of you who are close to me, I promise not to bring up these subjects other than on here...that way you won't have to listen to me babbling on and on unless you want to read it!