Tuesday, November 29, 2005
ONE MORE VENT...THEN MAYBE WE CAN GET BACK TO HAPPY POSTS FOR A CHANGE!
I took some time this weekend to watch the way people change when dealing with the holidays. As I was doing some shoppingg I noticed how people are in such a hurry and how they get irritated at the slightest mishap. Mothers were buzzing around department stores looking for everything on thier Christmas lists, with the kids in tow mind you, and kids were in the carts or being held by the hand as they screamed at the top of thier lungs because mommy had gotten them up at 5 a.m. just to get to the store for the early bird specials. Dad's got upset in the parking lots trying to find parking spaces really close to the front of the store so they can hurry up and get to hell out of there as soon as thier wives were done with their obsessions to be the first in line for that deal of the day. As baby girl and I did our shopping we were thinking to ourselves " What in hell is the big deal?" I WAS there for deals too but it's not like anyone was going to die if I didn't get that perfect sweater for Aunt Sue. I just didn't feel the tension that these other women were obviously feeling. I've changed my way of thinking over the past few months and maybe that's why I refuse to let the holiday hustle and bustle get to me. What happened to the days when getting together with family and friends to enjoy each others company and talk about old times was what the holidays were all about? I miss those days. I am lucky to have a daughter that looks at the finer things in life...loving, caring, togetherness. It makes my heart swell with pride when I look at her and think of the fine young woman she's becoming.
This time of year everyone seems to be on edge. Take tonight for instance...Yes, you all must have known that this post was leading to something!!! Today was a difficult day for my family. We got up early to head south to York to attend the funeral of a very special man to all three of us. He was my "other dad" and my baby was born on his birthday. He meant the world to my husband, who has never really had a dad taht he can actually "look up to" with respect. We all had a very difficult time dealing with this death and I suppose it put us all a little on edge. This evening, Hubby was on the computer, a place where he seldom gets since baby and I hog it all the time. I was puttering around the house doing the housework a little and trying to catch up on laundry. I remembered that I hadn't gone in to my hubbys work website to take a peek at his paycheck for the week and came over to stand behind him to ask him to go in and check it for me so I could plan the weekly bills. As he was finding his way to the site, my little notifier came on telling me email was waiting and I said (half joking and in a nice way) "Hurry up cuz I got mail!" He abruptly turned to me and told me to KISS HIS ASS...AND HE MEANT IT! He was disrespectful and snapped at me for no reason. In front of my daughter even and that made me really upset. I snapped back and told him that if he didn't watch it he'd be finding HIS ass in divorce court. Yes, I said this pretty sarcastically and maybe a little mean...but I'd had a rough day and just didn't need this now. This isn't the only time this has happened lately. A few weeks ago something pretty nasty happened between hubby and I. It didn't have anything to do with wife beating or anything remotely like that...but it did have to do with him lying to me and hiding things from me and I lost trust in him. Since that incident we haven't been on the same wave. He has been on vacation for hunting for a couple of weeks and I was busy with my book fair and coaching job. We pretty much stayed out of each others way but when we were together it was never "good". He'd get on my nerves or I'd get on his and we'd end up in little spats. A friend of mine told me to just forget that first incident ever happened and I AM trying to, but it isn't easy with all the other spats and stresses I've been under. Just when I think I am over it, something else happens to rock the boat and I get mad and hurt all over again. So, when what happened this evening happened, it hurt like hell and I just had to get out. I went for a VERY long walk around town, (yes alone like a dummy...I know better than that!) just to cool off and think. I tried to think about why hubby had been acting the way he has and a part of me wanted to believe that it was just because of the stress of the holidays like I saw on that shopping trip. Could it have the same irritating effect on men as it does on women? Or, maybe it is having that effect on me and I don't even realize it and hubby's actions of late are just coming from a reaction to my mood. I know in my heart that something is different and it scares me to think about what it might be...
Anyway, I am rambling and I hate it when I do that. At the funeral today people spoke of the man who had died and they spoke of the way he taught his son's that one's family and health and friends were more important than anything in life. They spoke of how the man always held his family is highest grace and loved them all unconditionally, even when they might have done things not too bright. He was always there to give his love and support even if he didn't agree with what his loved ones were doing. They spoke of how he taught his son's and grandkids that being together was more important than any material gift they could ever recieve. As I watched this family grieve for the man and saw the way they cared for one another and felt this deep loss in their family unit, I couldn't help but think of my situation. The family "togetherness" and closeness and respect for one another that this family has is what I long for. And I haven't had it here for a very long time.
Well, thanks for letting me get it out...even if it only makes sense to me. It's time like this when I am thankful for blogging...a place where you can just say what you want and not have to worry about what people think. Love to all my blogger pals
