|
 |
|||
|
|
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
So once again Julie is a complete stressed out mess.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Here is what Julie needs..... Julie needs an early start...Ok, I thought 5:00 am was early enough...geesh, what do they expect?  Julie needs to leave it all behind... Yes I do tend to carry things on and not leave them behind me...I'll give them this one. Julie needs to drink more water... Considering that's all I really drink is water, I can't see how I need this...although it's always good to increase your intake so I'll go with it! Julie needs to work on her parenting skills... I'm doing the best I can and I know that sometimes my skills could use some tweaking, that's why I blog! Julie needs a Kidney Transplant...Ok, this one scared me! I didnt even know there was anything wrong with my kidneys! Julie needs some real hands on comforting...YeeHa! The more hands on I can get the better for me...NOW I REALLY NEED HUBBY TO COME HOME AND START A HANDS ON SESSION! Woo Hoo!  Julie needs a job... Damned Straight I do! Julie needs something to break the monotony... Yes I do! I'm so sick of the same old same old. Julie needs a Julie account... I like this one. And anyone that wants to contribute to that account can go right ahead, be my guest! Julie needs her emotional chip upgraded... Yup! And that's all I'm gonna say about that. Julie needs healing from God... I think we all need a little spritual healing from time to time. Julie needs a top that barely skims over the hips... I have been dressing a little more risque these days so Hey, why not!  Julie needs sleep... This one is a given, seeing as how I get up at 5:00 every morning, even on weekends. and Julie needs to volunteer... Ok, this one really pissed me off a little. Volunteering is a way of life for me...and I give more than my share of time to it. I agree that there are many areas that depend on volunteering to get good end results but do youreally think it needs to be just ME volunteering? Ok, those of you who know me and what I'm like can see that the results of this little adventure are right on the mark. I loved doing this and it is kind of freaking me out a little becuase it was so close to who I am....Hope you all try this at home (or work, or in bed, or whereever you have your computer hooked up).
Thursday, October 20, 2005
 Complete the following sentences: 1) My uncle once: Got arrested and thrown in jail for taking a couple of old tires out of an abandoned barn. He got three days in jail for it and it is still on his personal record as a felony! (oh, and by the way, it was two uncles...they both did it at the same time) 2) Never again in my life: Will I wear my heart on my sleeve. I've learned that lesson more than once. When you trust someone they usually end up stomping on you! 3) When I was five: I went to my brownie troop and told everyone that someone had came in the night before and hurt my parents and that was why my hair and clothes were a mess. I told them this because I was embarassed to tell them the truth, that at the time my parents couldn't afford new clothing for me and mom never had time to comb my hair out properly. 4) High School was: A time in my life that I wish I could do all over again. I miss those days of dating and having fun...Boy, would I do some things different! 5) I will never forget: To tell the people that I care about the most that I love them...I will tell them often and they will know that I mean it!  6) I once met: Stephen King. I met him in the Bangor mall and he was really tall and scary looking. I see him once in a while here and there and he doesn't seem so big and powerful to me anymore.7) There's this girl I know who: Got herself pregnant two months after telling me that she was ashamed to say that she was entering High School a virgin. 8) Once, at a bar: I sat by quietly as I watched my husband grab another girls ass...she was one of the girls performing for the "naughty nightie contest". After that Hubby and I seperated for about six months. (that after cutting him off him the bedroom for six months) 9) By noon I'm usually: Bored out of my mind! It's tough being a stay at home mom. The boredom eventually takes it's toll. 10) Last night I: watched Dances With Wolves for the 100th time. I love that movie ALMOST as much as Gone With The Wind.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
 I wanted to share this photo with you all....these are the two most important people in my life! I never thought I could love so deeply...the way I do these two. At times they drive me crazy and I need a break from them but I think that's true in any relationship. Baby Girl just turned 13 and I can feel her slipping away from me, minute by minute and it makes me want to cry! Hubby and I have been a couple since November or 1984. Yup, that's 21 years, and I love him just as much now as I did then...actually more! Tim and I have been talking lately about what it will be like when Kristen leaves the house. I can't help but wonder if we'll still enjoy each other the way we do now. It seems that we never do anything without Baby strapped to our hip. It's at times like we have forgotten how to be a couple. Sex has been great, better than it has ever been, in the past several months (Medical reason's that could have taken my life made sex not very enjoyable for me) but that's another blog at another time. Soon it will just be me and him again...Kristen will be off on her own, making her own magical memories with a wonderful partner hopefully. I took Tim on a date Monday and we had a great time. I guess we just don't do stuff like that often enough. Kristen is a typical teen...she tells me only the things she WANTS to tell me and I hate it. Up until now she has always told me every detail of every day. Lately though that has changed. She gives me one word answers and is mad at me most of the time. That's ok though...I know that it's all a part of her growing up and becoming her own person and I love her enough to not pressure her. She has a lot of stuff to face in the next five or six years and I am here for her if she needs me. That's all I can do at this point. I just wanted to share with you all my two true loves! And I think this is the best picture they've ever taken together. Hope you enjoyed it! Later...
Monday, October 17, 2005
Here is Kristen and her best friend... The food was really good if I do say so myself! Nacho dip in a crock pot, ham and cheese wraps and then the usual teen party food...you know, m&m's, bbq chips, cookies (homemade pumpkin chocolate chip), homemade brownies, veggies and dip...you get the idea. And believe it or not most of it stayed dry and I didn't have to throw away too much. Eight kids went through about 60 drinks...not the alcoholic kind...sodas, Propel waters, juices...and they all seemed to have a really good time. Here is Kristen and her other cousin Tom. He's from my side of the family. The two of them were very close when they were both in Junior High together and I hope they rebuild that closeness once she gets to high school with him next year. My sister and I don't get a long that well, we are like night and day and it just isn't a good mix, but Kristen and Tom are two peas. I can't wait to see what it's like next year! Mel says that I stressed WAY TO MUCH over the party preparations, and I admit I obssessed a tad bit. I will definitely have to think long and hard before I decide to give her a Sweet 16 party. It probably wouldn't have been so bad for me if I hadn't had to do it all by myself. Hubby worked overtime the whole week before so he wasn't much help then. He did do more than his share on the clean up end of it and I love him for that. So, enough about the party. I might post about it again soon but there really isn't much more to tell...They came, they ate, they got wet, they had a good time, they left! YAY! Success! Those of you who have been reading know that I'm having trouble inserting links to my posts. It's driving me absolutey buggy!  Grrrr! I tried to link Mel and I tried to link Baby Girl Kristen and niether one worked. I'll figure it out someday. Actually, Tomorrow night when I call Mel and she can walk me through it! Or Dear Scotty, bless his heart for offering to help this pathetically computer illiterate Blogger Buddy! Hope you all enjoyed the recap of the Birthday party. I'll post again soon. Luvs to you all!
Saturday, October 15, 2005
How Boyish or Girlish Are You? I always new that the power of WOMAN would rule! And for once this test was right on with me. I love to dress pretty and cuddle kittens and pick flowers in a field. I also love a good fight and speak my mind and I feel that I can do anything any man can do and some things I can do even better. My heart does rule my emotions...that's why I'm sucha wreck all the time. And I do have ups and downs every single hour of every day! Cute and Perky I'd have to disagree with...I like to be feminine but you take me as you get me...nothing perky and cute about me! Hope you can get to this little test from my post..and thanks Sheri and Mel for the fun. Later...
Friday, October 14, 2005
 Tim came over and picked up the cat, which was still twitching because it hadn't completely died yet. He put it in a towel and looked at me and said "Well, it's a little on the small side but the meat will be nice and tender". He wrapped up the cat a went outside. I dropped the gun AND MYSELF to the floor and started screaming over what I had just done. My body was trembling and I don't think I could have cried any harder.~~ I awoke in a cold sweat and my whole body was shaking. Obviously this was just a dream...OR WAS IT? ~~So, people I ask you this...DO YOU THINK I'M STRESSED OR WHAT?~~
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Tomorrow is Baby Girls 13th birthday. YAY! We will celebrate the day with a small family gathering after supper is over and have yummy birthday cake. Before people get here her Dad and I will present her with a gift...her very first piece of REAL jewelry, a "simple elegance" style pink sapphire ring set in white gold.  I think she will like it and if she doesn't the jewelry store told me she could exchange it for something different. It was a toss up for us between two different styles and this is the one we chose. This is also the weekend of her big PARTY! We have decided to have it whether it rains or not. The wether report says rain and wind for Saturday night but we will use canopies and enclose it with tarps of some kind...that's not my problem, it's hubby and his brother's. It's up to them to make it nice for Baby Girl and her friends. Everyone has asked me what they can get her for a gift and I can't tell them anything. She has her own blogsite and if you read the last entry you'll understand why I say that...http://kissen05.blogspot.com/ (go check it out). She says in that post that she wants nothing for birthdays or Christmases other than to spend quality time with family and friends. Yup! She's not your typical teenager. She has an enormous heart...she's also a big liar if she says gifts don't matter to her...they matter to us all! Still it's nice to know that those types of morals have been instilled into my babe's brain. Makes me feel like I'm actually doing something right as a parent. So, for the next two days I will be frantic trying to do the shopping for the food taht has to be cooked for the party...the canopy sides will have to be gotten from the grandparents and then in the pouring rain hubby and his brother will assemble the "Party Palace" so to speak. Baby Girl will figure out some way to decorate for her first teen boy/girl party. If the food stays dry and the stereo doesn't get ruined it will be a blessing and everything will be ok. Somehwere in between the cooking and shopping and "preparations" I have to go to work and get that out of the way so the rest of the weekend is freed up. Will I lose my mind before then? OF COURSE! That's just the type of person I am. So, how did she become a teenager so quickly? Next will be the start of High School and then her drivers license then her first TRUE love then graduation then on to college (hopefully)...It all goes so quickly and I can only wish for a way to slow down time. I may not have time to post for a while...After all, I will be a very busy lady for the next few days...But I won't forget you all and I will be back...consider yourselves warned! LOL Smile Peeps! I luv each and every one of you!
Monday, October 10, 2005
 Life can be going along pretty well and then BAM!, it hits you like a ton of bricks...DEPRESSION! I know you can all relate. I think it was Mel and Scotty that blogged about this recently. It catches you off guard and topples your world. You wonder if it will ever get anybetter. That's the situation I'm in right now, and I really don't know why...Maybe you all can help me figure it out... It started a few days ago...I haven't been sleeping well (although I HAVE been gettting a few hours a night) and at first I thought it was just that that was causing me to feel not quite myself. But as it went on for a couple more days I started to assess why I might be feeling this way and I was doubting that lack of sleep was the issue. Maybe it's the lack of confidence I'm feeling about the new possible coaching position that I could be holding in my hands within a month. Maybe it's that my face is once again covered with sore spots that no amount of over the counter meds is helping. Maybe it's that Baby Girl is shutting me out of her life once again. Maybe it's dealing with mom's health issues getting to me. Maybe it's the fact that I'm trying to make my daughters birthday really nice for her and it's not working out. Maybe it's the fact that no matter how hard hubby tries to make ends meet, it's just never enough. Maybe it's the soaking rains that we've been getting and the lack of sunshine I am craving so deeply. Maybe it's this damned headache that I wake up with every morning. Maybe it's the problem with my teeth that I'm having and because they don't feel right, I don't feel right. Maybe it's my neglect for my health and there is some underlying problem that is making me feel this way... It really doesn't matter what the reason, I'M DEPRESSED! And I HATE it! So, how am I going to pull myself out of it? Getting Blasted Drunk might help! But then I would have to wake up with a hangover the next morning and that wouldn't be much fun at all. What bothers me the most about this is I'm not the type of person that wallows in self pity. And here I am wallowing. What is going on with me? I could send myslef a bunch of flowers...  I could eat all the chocolate in the house and then send honey out for more...  Maybe a bubble bath with lighted candles and thoughts of a secluded tropical island somewhere...  The chocolate is doable, as is the bubble bath with candles. I think I just might go try it... I'll post again soon and I truly hope that the mood will be a better one...Later Peeps!
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
 Oh What to post about? That is getting to be the big question around here...a ton of stuff on my mine but can't really sort it all out enough to post about it. I guess I'll do another "Topics" post...here we go... Topic #1...Baby Girl! This is always my primary topic it seems. She is having a better week than in the weeks past. Things have calmed down a bit with the boy situation and her feeling like the ugly dickling. She is burying herself in her schoolwork and hanging out with her girlfriends. Her mind is heavy on her birthday coming up and still hoping for a party. Of course we will do the cake and ice cream thing with the family on her actual birthday on Thursday, and I hope that we don't have to disappoint her by not giving her a party on the weekend for some reason. The only reason we'd HAVE to cancel would be the weather so we are keeping our fingers crossed. I'm excited about giving her her first piece of "bling" and I hope she likes it. The communication part is still messed up between her and us. Dad and I tried talking to her this weekend about various things and she is still being a big clam. It's the age, I know htat, and eventually she will open up more. Until then I am just going to observe from a distance and talk only when she comes to us first. I'm sure all her problems are minor, and normal problems for eighth graders. Everyone around here is telling me it gets a lot better once the girls hit high school so I'm looking forward to next year. Topic #2...Hubby!... in my last post I talked about an unexpected attraction. Well, although the attraction is still there I feel it's a normal thing and nothing will ever come of it. I have since been hot for hubby again (not that it ever left) and it feels so right. We spent the morning today doing some deep cleaning in the house and we didn't argue or get all huffy about anything and it felt real nice to have him help out without bitching about it. He even did all the windows for me and that is a major help to me. He has been busy making knives again and is working on a special one for my uncles retirement.  (this isn't one of his but it's very close to what he makes. Actually his are much better and done by hand from start to finish.) I am so proud of him when he puts his heart into something and he certainly puts his heart into his knife making. It's just too bad that he can't market them and make a little money form it. He has a sale occasionally but up here in the "sticks" there isn't a lot of extra cash that people will spend on something like that. We've thought about EBAY but I am still fairly newbie to the computer and wouldn't even know where to begin. Anyway, my fears I was having about the unexpected attraction are gone and I know in my heart that I love my husband can't wait to show him how much when he gets home from work tonight. Yes, I'm being a little devilish!Topic #3...The Dreaded Holidays are getting so close! How can I tell? Because as soon as Baby Girls birthday is out of the way I have to start spending WAY TOO MUCh money on gifts for  approximately 25 people. It all gets so draining and time just goes by so fast between October and December. I am making a mental note to myself that this year WILL be different. I WILL enjoy the holidays. We have recently gotten closer with some much missed family members on both sides of the family and we are looking forward to celebrating with them. And of course we are ALWAYS excited about the good food that comes with the season. We are debating on where we shoudl be for the holidays, whether it be here or with hubby's family. It's a tough call this year. Hubby will be working long hours most of December and that means a family Christmas on his side is pretty much out of the question...he just isn't going to be able to get the time off. We wouldlike to do Thanksgiving at least with his family because of the December issue but that means we would miss the holidays with some very important people to us on my side. Auntie Deb and Uncle Brother and Dode and Tom will all be leaving for Florida in December so we were kind of looking forward to a turkey dinner here with them. It's such a hard decision because we are the type of people that don't want to disappoint anyone. Oh what to do? I still have time to think about it...I'm not going allow myself to fret about it now!Topic #4...The change of seasons... I LOVE IT! Fall is my absolute favorite time of year!  Yesterday I was outside and I heard the most glorious sound...GEESE! Flying South in V-formation. There was well over 100 of them in the flock and they sounded so beautiful. I stood there listening, breathing in the crisp air. Have you ever noticed the smell of fall? I think its the leaves that have already fallen to the ground and started to dry up. Soon we will be cuddling up with cocoa watching movies as a family...soon we will be raking leaves into huge piles, only to chase my daughter down and throw her into them. That might be different this year considering the fact that she's taller than I am now. We will enjoy a few more evenings in front of the chiminea and the evenings will be getting shorter and shorter. Life will slow down from the hussle of summertime and I am vowing to have this winter be one of relaxation and staying at home enjoying one another. Evenings playing cards and hearty homecooked meals will replace nights out until 10:00 and something quickly thrown on the grill for supper. Sweet Bliss for me!Topic #5...Cheerleading! Yikes!...Time is getting closer for the basketball season to beging and I'm a nervous wreck! This will be my first year as cheering coach, SOLO, (I've already been told I'm a shoe in) and my mind is full to the top with thoughts of being a total failure at it. I am frantically trying to convince my good friend and former cheering coach from last year to split the stipend and co-coach with me. I don't know what I'm freaking out about...I have the knowledge to do this job and although my stunting skills aren't that great, I know, just like anything I do I'll put my heart and soul into it and everything will be fine. It still doesn't make me any less nervous knowing that though. If I can ever find the cd, I'll post some pics of our squad from last year and you can see how great they are. It's one of Baby Girls passions and although I'll be a total wreck the entire season, I'll do it for her. At least this time there is a stipend to look forward to. What will I do with all that cash? Yeah Right! Topic #6...A heartfelt THANK YOU!!! I want to end this post thanking Sheri for putting in the time to give my blog a new look. And now she is working of Baby Girls for me too. What an awesome person you are Sheri! Now when I click on my site it's all bright and happy...it's a nice way to wake up every morning! I also want to thank Mel for listening to all my ramblings. I really feel I've found a true friend in you and I cherish you! And one more thank you to my dearest Scotty...for making me laugh...for giving me some interesting reads...for keeping it real...and for just being you! Wish I actually knew you other than on blogger! You three make my days a little brighter! Luvs to all! 
Sunday, October 02, 2005
In the past couple of years I have been very involved with our town recreation group and it has given me the opportunity to get reacquainted with people from my past. I have reconnected with many of my former classmates and I've enjoyed that so much, just as any of you would. At the start of this fall football season, a couple of friends from the rec committee approached me to see if I would be willing to help out with concessions because they couldn't get commitments from many of the kids parents so I told them I'd help. My daughter is helping to coach one of the cheerleading squads so I have to be at the games anyway so I didn't think it was a big deal...and I actually enjoy doing it. The guy in charge of the football season is also an old flame. It is a very old flame, we went out for about two months back in high school. And I am ashamed to say that he is a much younger guy. When we dated I was a senior and he was a freshman. I think that's why it didn't work out between us. Well, working closely with him again this fall has made me realize that if my husband weren't in the picture there would be an attraction there that might not be able to be stopped. As with any situation of this kind there is always some kind of harmless flirting that goes on, all of you know that. I bet at your own work places there is a certain amount of flirting. So over the past month or so there has been harmless flirting taking place between this guy and me. Hubby is usually around and we have even flirted right in front of hubby, and hubby goes right along with it telling the guy to take me any time he wants me. It's all in fun! Until today and I looked at the guy differently. I caught myself many times checking out the guys butt and wondering what it would have been like if it would have worked out all those years ago. This hasn't been a one sided flirting here, the guy is the one that starts the flirting every time we are together. And when I say flirting, it's rather innocent...we talk or comment on something that happened in the past, or like today we talked about how I'd never let my own daughter chase a boy three or four years younger than her, and he piped right up and said that it didn't stop me from liking him so there was a double standard in the way I'm raising her. It's all like that kind of stuff every game day. I can honestly say that this guy is still as hot looking to me now as he was over 20 years ago. His personality is terrific and I find myself looking forward to our next conversation. Now, as far as the way I feel about my husband, I have never loved him more. We are falling in love all over again and I still fully intend to stay with him forever. At the same time I just can't seem to ignore this old attraction to my former crush. I know that even in the best of marriages, it's normal to be attracted to someone else. It's all a part of life. That doesn't mean that you act on those attractions...and I have absolutely no intention of acting. Still, it makes my heart heavy to know that I have an attraction to someone other than my own husband. I feel like I'm not being faithful...I feel like because there is an attraction I should be questioning how I feel about my husband...I feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I know I'm not. Is it ok to have this kind of attraction? Does it mean my marriage is in trouble? And what does this mean for the future? Will we be able to hold this love together after the child is out of the house and we are alone together again? Or will I want to act on attractions such as this one? If I had to answer my own questions, I have to say that I do think this type of attraction is normal and that almost every woman (and Man for that matter) experiences them once in a while. It doesn't mean my marriage is in trouble because of it...hey, I can go and look at this really hot guy and then come home to hubby and maybe it will enhance sex even more than it already is. The future is what it will be...nobody can determine what might happen down the road. And I honestly don't think I'd EVER act on this type of attraction, it's not like I'm crushing on this guy again, I just think he's nice and hot and interesting! I'd like to know if any of you have felt this way before. And if you have, did you feel like a bad person for it? Life can change at any given moment and none of us know what the future holds...all we can do is go through life one day at a time and try to be honest with ourselves and be happy. I hope you enjoyed this post, it really helped me to figure out my own feelings. I guess that's what blogging is all about! I know I've posted often lately, I still would love comments to other posts I've written recently, like the one before this with my daughter's problems, and the one before that, the seven questions thing, it's kind of fun! So dont' forget to go read those ones again also, and comment to your hearts content! Love to you all...
Saturday, October 01, 2005
 My darling Baby Girl is still having some problems with the social aspect of 8th grade. Acedemically she's doing wonderfully...Loves the new French class that they added to the curricculum this year and she is holding an average in the high 90's for most of her classes. As a parent I should be glowing with pride at her accomplishments. Instead I'm filled with worry about her social life. Now, I say that lightly! After all, in 8th grade I am not even sure you can call it their "social life". She has many friends, both girls and boys and alike, and she cherishes those friendships. Maybe this is where the problems begin. Let me take you back a few weeks... I had posted earlier about baby girl and her interest in "the new boy" in school. She had a crush as did half of the girls in the school. The boy had a girlfriend already so Baby Girl kind of admired him from afar, all the time wishing that he'd dump his girlfriend and ask her out. Well, that plan backfired for my daughter. The boy dumped the girlfriend and went out with a girl my daughter feels is more popular than she is. This made my daughter have feelings she didn't understand. She was partly angry and partly jealous. I personally think it was more jealousy than anything. Well, that romance lasted all of a week and then the boy asked one of Baby Girls best friends to go out with him and the friend said yes, not giving my daughters feelings a second thought. This is sort of where my problem with communication comes in...I've been trying to talk with her about how she shouldn't be so concerned with her friends getting angry with her for going out with a boy. There are several boys that she's interested in that other friends have gone out with before and she refuses to give these boys a chance for fear of hurting her girlfriends feelings. These girls certainly don't give my daughters feelings a second thought. I've tried talking with her about not waiting for that perfect boy...she has the hots for two boys in particular that don't feel the way she does for them. She's just holding out hoping that one of these boys will all of a sudden change their minds and start having feelings for her. The boys that do like her won't ask her out because they know she's going to say no to them. When did it become so difficult talking to my baby? We used to talk about everything and for some reason she won't hear what I have to say about this boy issue. She won't listen to Dad either. He's seen the same things I have and his opinion is about the same as mine and when he talks to her about it she changes subject quickly. I have sat back lately watching and waiting for her to come to us, but she just won't open up about this stuff. We see the hurt on her face when all of her friends around her are in realtionships with boys and she's the only "single" in the group. We see how she feels out of place, like the third wheel, when hanging out with her friends and their boyfriends. We just can't seem to figure out how to help her through it. I told her today that I wanted to set aside some mother/daughter time to talk about some things this weekend. I want her to know that it's ok to be single as long as that's what she really wants. I want to tell her to start living for herself and not for what her friends want. And I don't even know where to begin. When did I lose knowing how to talk to my own baby? Since she has friends over tonight ( yes, the two that are here are girlfriend/boyfriend) I will have to find time for that talk tomorrow. I only hope I can find the words and don't screw her up anymore than she already is. Wish me luck...that is IF I don't chicken out! Maybe I should make a wish in hopes of saying all the right things! |
||
It goes along directly with my mood today. I have some things on my mind that are troubling me and just can't seem tot shake them so I figured maybe if I blog about them I'll be able to see stuff in a different way...
Hubby has been working his hiney off and there still just never seems to be enough. We aren't BEHIND on anything, we just don't have anything extra to play with and haven't for a very long time. I'm beginning to stress about Christmas, (and this is something I promised myself I wouldn't do this year after last years many family issues) and I'm getting tired of sitting home day after day because I don't feel right spending money on gas to do NOTHING! I thought this week would be a little easier, Hubby came home the other day happy to tell me he was receiving a gain-sharing check, but when I went online this morning, even with the gain share the paycheck isn't really any bigger than a regular check after Uncle Sam bounced him into a higher tax bracket. So, even though there is a LITTLE extra, it's not enough to make me feel "comfortable" again. I AM happy that the truck will be able to get a new set of feet on it so maybe it will stop hydroplaning all over the road. After the feet, there won't be much left to get moving on that gift list for Christmas though.
This used to be my favorite time of year and I always started my shopping in July so I could have the October/November/December time frame to work on new recipes and crafty ideas. For the past several years though the gift list for approximately 27 people didn't get even looked at until after Baby Girls birthday. No exception this year either...Baby Girls birthday was last week and here I am beginning that dreaded list. The list has dropped off drastically from 27 to around 19 (that is IF I'm counting right this early in the morning) . Some on that list will get "food" gifts so I'm not worried about them, there is always flour and sugar and cocoa in the house! But now I have the task of trying to find the money to buy things for 12 kids and two sets of parents. I don't even know where to begin. Hubby and I had decided that we were going to just put cash or gift cards in envelopes and deliver them to each persons tree this year. He will be working a lot of overtime in December so we already know that joining in on the family festivities is out. After talking with a couple of other family members, we began to rethink the whole "cash in an envelope" thing because it isn't a very Christmas-like and thoughtful way of giving. Lord knows I wouldn't want to piss off anymore members of the family! So now we are back to making a list of gifts to be bought and that leads to the next problem. I had emailed one of the family members to ask if she thought her son would prefer the cash or a gift (keep in mind this kid is extremely difficult to please and buy for), and if she knew if the little ones in the family needed new sleds. Her email reply to me was one sentence..."I refuse to even think about Christmas until AFTER November 12th"! This really rubbed me the wrong way, all I was doing was asking a couple of very simple questions I thought. So I ask you this, am I wrong in starting conversations about Chrsitmas this early in the year? It seems every time I bring up the subject to anyone, (and yes lately this has ben a daily topic of conversation) people start getting all pissed off at me. Me being the person I am and not allowing myself to take anyones crap think about it as "Too Fucking Bad! It's an issue with Hubby and I right now and I'll talk about it all I want!" Still, I don't really want to allienate the family because of it. If I knew how to get the issue out of my head I'd stop bringing up the subject!
First let me bring you all up to this point. My sister and I are like night and day and have never really gotten along. A few years ago something happened and she got pissed off and we both said some things that shouldn't have been said and to make a very long story short, we haven't spoken in about three years. Not even a hello! Yes we show up at family events and steer clear of each other. Until recently... a few weeks ago, when my mother went to the hospital with the mess on her legs, sister dear started talking to me again. I knew at the time that it was because she was trying to get information about Mom's medical problems and of course I told her everything. Now, almost three months later, she is coming to my house for different events, visiting with her kids, and acting like nothing ever happened. I'm ok with this, the whole time we haven't spoken I have told myself and others that if she walked back into my life I'd be willing to sweep everything under the rug, with not hesitation. Well, here we are and even though it's nice to be able to be in the same room with her, the same old issues that tore us apart are still surfacing and I walk on eggshells when she's around. I hate this feeling! Because of circumstances that have happened, not only with my sister, I don't trust ANYONE and I expect anyone that is a part of my life to stomp on my heart at any given moment! That's why I refuse to let anyone get that close to me again! Maybe that's why I love animals so much...they are the only creatures on earth that will give you true unconditional love! Why do you think I have three cats? If I could handle more I'd have them in a heartbeat!
I applied for the coaching postion at the school and now it's a waiting game to see if I'll get called on it. I really want the job but I still feel a little under qualified to do the job professionally. I know that if anyone else applies for the job it wil go to the interview stage and I completely bomb at interviews! I also know that most other candidates will have more training for the position than I do so I highly doubt if it comes to interviewing that I will actually get the job! I have mixed feelings about this...I'd really feel bad not getting the position but it certainly would be nice to just be a parent in the bleachers at these games for a change! It's been a very long time since that has happened! My stomach is all fluttery and I sit at home everyday waiting for the phone to ring and it still hasn't. Even if the phone rang and I GOT the position, I'd still be all stressed out and nerved up about my capabitlies. Am I taking on too much or is this something I can handle? Of course, I WILL do the job if it is offered to me because the money would come in really handy right now (even though its a stipend position and I wont' see that money til at least March). 
I'm trying not to be this way and I really am a positive person at heart! I think it's just one of those days and I really can't seem to get a grip on life. For those of you who are close to me, I promise not to bring up these subjects other than on here...that way you won't have to listen to me babbling on and on unless you want to read it! 
18) 
