Monday, February 13, 2006
Happy Valentine's Day...I'm A Wreck!
Happy Valentines Day Everyone!
Actually it's 9:00 p.m. the night before. I am sitting up alone, hubby working night shift, and daughter just put her head to the pillow. I figured itwas a good time to post, since I haven't for a while.
This is going to be one of those posts just for me. I have a lot of stuff inside of me and I need to get it out and try to gain a new perspective on things. I will tend to jump from subject to subject and ramble on quite a bit but remember it's only for me. I hope you all find my thoughts at least a little bit interesting and bear with me until I'm finished my rant...
This has been a week of many highs and lows for me. Lets start with the brightest point of my week. (actually this goes back to LAST week...sorry) I HAD A DATE! And it was the best date I've ever had in my life. It wasn't with my husband though. It was with the greatest guy in the entire world. I met him in 7th grade and we have been bestest bestest (I know, bad grammar but what to Hell) friends ever since. We hit it off the moment we met and the love between us has grown into something I don't even understand. It's that profound! He was a year behind me in school. We have stayed extremely close over the years and even though there are months between our visits we always come right back to that safe place we've always known. We call each other from time to time, usually a couple of months between calls, and we never miss a birthday or holiday. Like myself he is married. He has two beautiful children and his wife is a very nice lady. I got a call from him a week or so ago and he said he wanted to meet for lunch. I was so excited...it has been at least two full years since we've seen each other. Yes we talk on the phone but we can never quite get to the point of actually getting together...life is so busy. We'll, he suggested meeting last Friday for lunch and as soon as we hung up the phone the excitment began. Every day leading up to Friday the excitement built even more and more. Thursday night I barely slept because I was so wound up about seeing him. It had been SO long. He and I have gone through so much together...if it weren't for him I wouldn't be with Tim today. He was the first one to know I was pregnant with Kristen. He was also the first one to make me realize where I was going wrong...not just once but many many times. He knows me better than I know myself. I'm sure you all get the picture. So I got to the resturant and waited in the truck for him to get there. He pulled in and I started to shake! He got out of his car and I got out of Tim's truck and we embraced for the longest time! It felt so RIGHT to be back in his arms. Tears came and went and we smiled and hugged some more. Gosh I hadn't realized how much I missed him. Into the eatery and it's like we couldn't stop touching each other...like we had to make sure it was real, that we were actually together again. Oh it was all very innocent...we didn't want to jump in bed with each other or anything...we are both happy in our marriages. It had just been so long since we had seen each other and nobody could possibly understand the connection we have with each other...we don't even understand it ourselves. We sat and talked for almost two hours in the resturant and when it came time to leave it was so melancholy. I didn't want to leave and I don't think he did either. He walked me to the truck and we embraced again for another long long time. Once we got back into our own vehicles we kept looking back and waving and blowing kisses until we were out of sight of each other as we went our separate ways. Now I just can't wait til the next time...I missed him SO much! He's my very very very best friend. And I love him So!
That was a good moment of the week...how about another one...Kristen has her very first boyfriend...and I can't believe how hard she's falling for him. It is so sweet to watch her interact with him and she has experienced her first hand holding and playing footsies under the table. Mom on the other hand is a wreck. I am so happy for her and everything she's feeling I'm feeling too...like we are the same person. I didn't expect that. Last night we were talking about him and how the relationship is going. We talked about how she gets butterflies and has to wave her hands in her own face just to cool down after talking to him or seeing him. While she was describing how she feels, I started feeling the same way. Butterflies welled up in my belly (which is now some kind of stomach flu) and I got all shaky thinking about how I felt at that same age. I am a little ashamed to say that I was a lot more "educated" with going out with guys when I was in 8th grade than she is. My first kiss was in 6th grade and by 8th grade I had had at least a dozen bf's. I am so happy for my baby but at the same time I am so afraid for her. I know this kid will turn out to be like every other boy this age...he'll break her heart when she least expects it...I'd say within another week or so. I only hope she can pick herself up after. I know she will...she's a strong young lady. It still won't be easy to watch her get a broken heart. This kid better be REALLY nice to my baby or I'll start referring to him as the LITTLE PRICK again...right Mel!
This isn't the only thing about my daughters life that has me a wreck. Another boy had a true heart to heart with me about her. She has been really good friends with this other boy for a couple of years at least now. He stops by regularly but hasn't been around for a few months due to busy lives...basketball and all of that kind of stuff. Well, he came over Sunday for the afternoon. The boyfriend was here the whole time also. It was all very interesting to watch. They all got along and played cards in the kitchen, I even played with them for a while. Kristen and the bf held hands under the table. I noticed that the other boy finally noticed this and cut his visit short. Later that evening he IM'd with me. He said some things to me that I had always suspected but didn't realize to what extent it actually went. He told me how he had a really hard time watching "HIS GIRL" (he has NEVER referred to her as that before!) and her bf holding hands. He said to me that he can't believe I'm ok with it all. He told me that HE wanted to be holding hands with her. Then he said something that blew me away. This 8th grade boy said to me "Julie, I love her...I really really love her! And I want MY chance with her and I know I will never get it. I love her more that any other person I know...even more than Erika". (And if you knew the story of Erika you'd know why I say this blew me away) This is the first time that I've realized that someone loves my daughter as much as Tim and I do. And I SO believe this to be true. What gets me in the gut about this is Kristen and this boy are EXACTLY how my best friend and me are and were. He loves her and she at this point just doesn't feel the same way. Anyone that can see these two together would say differently. Tim and I and this boys Dad and many other people can see that Kristen and this boy are perfect for each other, and act it most of the time, without the kissing and hand holding. They interact with each other perfectly. They are GREAT friends. As this kid poured his feelings out to me about her online, I found myself in tears for him. I feel bad for him...longing for someone he can't have right now. I also feel SO good about the fact that someone out there loves everything my daughter is...he REALLY does love her...even at this young age. It will be interesting to see how this whole thing plays out. The bf will dump my beautiful little girl and she will be in tears...if the other boy plays his cards right, he'll be there to pick up the pieces and maybe, just maybe find himself being loved back...
My coaching stint has ended for the season and I am so glad of that. I did enjoy it toward the end though and I find myself missing it a little. Since November I have breathed cheering and now I don't have to every day. And I feel empty...like I'm extremely bored. Like Ihave nothing for myself. Oh, I have things to keep me busy already filling up my list. Another book fair in the middle of March and right after taht Baby Girl will be back to softball season. I'll be doing the books at the games most likely again. I just don't like this empty feeling I'm having now. Maybe that is why I feel the way I do about all the stuff that is going on in Kristen's life right now. I am close to her like no other and now that I have a lot of time on my hands, I can't help but engross myself into her life.
Valentines Day has no meaning once again for me this year. Tim will get home early morning from night shift and sleep half the day. The way my tummy is feeling I WON'T be wanting to do much when he does get up and the day will fly by without even a notice. It makes me wonder why I don't get those butterflies for Tim...like the ones I feel just thinking about my daughters experiences...or the ones I felt with my bestest friend last Friday. I know, maybe I should end this post with a plan...a plan for some awesome sex with him tomorrow and screw the flowers and candy and good food he might have planned...just lock the door and find each other again...Yeah...that's a good plan...
...I'll fill you all in next time...Everyone have an extremely loving Valentines Day and I'll be thinking about you all. (Well, after sex that is...lol)
