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Tuesday, November 29, 2005
ONE MORE VENT...THEN MAYBE WE CAN GET BACK TO HAPPY POSTS FOR A CHANGE!
I took some time this weekend to watch the way people change when dealing with the holidays. As I was doing some shoppingg I noticed how people are in such a hurry and how they get irritated at the slightest mishap. Mothers were buzzing around department stores looking for everything on thier Christmas lists, with the kids in tow mind you, and kids were in the carts or being held by the hand as they screamed at the top of thier lungs because mommy had gotten them up at 5 a.m. just to get to the store for the early bird specials. Dad's got upset in the parking lots trying to find parking spaces really close to the front of the store so they can hurry up and get to hell out of there as soon as thier wives were done with their obsessions to be the first in line for that deal of the day. As baby girl and I did our shopping we were thinking to ourselves " What in hell is the big deal?" I WAS there for deals too but it's not like anyone was going to die if I didn't get that perfect sweater for Aunt Sue. I just didn't feel the tension that these other women were obviously feeling. I've changed my way of thinking over the past few months and maybe that's why I refuse to let the holiday hustle and bustle get to me. What happened to the days when getting together with family and friends to enjoy each others company and talk about old times was what the holidays were all about? I miss those days. I am lucky to have a daughter that looks at the finer things in life...loving, caring, togetherness. It makes my heart swell with pride when I look at her and think of the fine young woman she's becoming.
This time of year everyone seems to be on edge. Take tonight for instance...Yes, you all must have known that this post was leading to something!!! Today was a difficult day for my family. We got up early to head south to York to attend the funeral of a very special man to all three of us. He was my "other dad" and my baby was born on his birthday. He meant the world to my husband, who has never really had a dad taht he can actually "look up to" with respect. We all had a very difficult time dealing with this death and I suppose it put us all a little on edge. This evening, Hubby was on the computer, a place where he seldom gets since baby and I hog it all the time. I was puttering around the house doing the housework a little and trying to catch up on laundry. I remembered that I hadn't gone in to my hubbys work website to take a peek at his paycheck for the week and came over to stand behind him to ask him to go in and check it for me so I could plan the weekly bills. As he was finding his way to the site, my little notifier came on telling me email was waiting and I said (half joking and in a nice way) "Hurry up cuz I got mail!" He abruptly turned to me and told me to KISS HIS ASS...AND HE MEANT IT! He was disrespectful and snapped at me for no reason. In front of my daughter even and that made me really upset. I snapped back and told him that if he didn't watch it he'd be finding HIS ass in divorce court. Yes, I said this pretty sarcastically and maybe a little mean...but I'd had a rough day and just didn't need this now. This isn't the only time this has happened lately. A few weeks ago something pretty nasty happened between hubby and I. It didn't have anything to do with wife beating or anything remotely like that...but it did have to do with him lying to me and hiding things from me and I lost trust in him. Since that incident we haven't been on the same wave. He has been on vacation for hunting for a couple of weeks and I was busy with my book fair and coaching job. We pretty much stayed out of each others way but when we were together it was never "good". He'd get on my nerves or I'd get on his and we'd end up in little spats. A friend of mine told me to just forget that first incident ever happened and I AM trying to, but it isn't easy with all the other spats and stresses I've been under. Just when I think I am over it, something else happens to rock the boat and I get mad and hurt all over again. So, when what happened this evening happened, it hurt like hell and I just had to get out. I went for a VERY long walk around town, (yes alone like a dummy...I know better than that!) just to cool off and think. I tried to think about why hubby had been acting the way he has and a part of me wanted to believe that it was just because of the stress of the holidays like I saw on that shopping trip. Could it have the same irritating effect on men as it does on women? Or, maybe it is having that effect on me and I don't even realize it and hubby's actions of late are just coming from a reaction to my mood. I know in my heart that something is different and it scares me to think about what it might be...
Anyway, I am rambling and I hate it when I do that. At the funeral today people spoke of the man who had died and they spoke of the way he taught his son's that one's family and health and friends were more important than anything in life. They spoke of how the man always held his family is highest grace and loved them all unconditionally, even when they might have done things not too bright. He was always there to give his love and support even if he didn't agree with what his loved ones were doing. They spoke of how he taught his son's and grandkids that being together was more important than any material gift they could ever recieve. As I watched this family grieve for the man and saw the way they cared for one another and felt this deep loss in their family unit, I couldn't help but think of my situation. The family "togetherness" and closeness and respect for one another that this family has is what I long for. And I haven't had it here for a very long time.
Well, thanks for letting me get it out...even if it only makes sense to me. It's time like this when I am thankful for blogging...a place where you can just say what you want and not have to worry about what people think. Love to all my blogger pals
Monday, November 21, 2005
HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!
I have survived last week and a busy weekend...surprisingly! Book Fair is over and was a huge success. I am a little disappointed that I didn't get anymore than a thank you for running it the whole week but I suppose that's what volunteering is all about. I have ran it the last three years mostly by myself and always have gotten at least some free books out of it. This year I got a thank you and that's it. Oh well!
Cheerleading is going well but not without it's obstacles. I've dealt with everything from girls fighting with each other and calling each other hatful names, to girls not being able to be a practices due to parents that don't have a clue how to schedule things around sports, to an attitude from my own flesh and blood that is almost impossible to deal with. AND IT'S ONLY THE FOURTH PRACTICE! It has been a tremendous amount of stress from day to day and I have had to say to myself every night that the next day will be better. Most of the time the next day has only proven to hand me more obstacles and headaches. I have discovered that it is a huge dictatorship and I don't deal well with that type of thing. Practice today was pretty rough. The girls look great on thier sideline cheers but halftime cheer isn't coming together as nicely as I had hoped it would and I can't seem to put my finger on what the problem is. I can only hope for a smooth first game without any injuries! You know, I think back to last year when the previous coach started talking me into doing this thing (with more talking from my husband on top of it) and even back then I got a knot in my tummy at the very thought of it. That knot is still there and I can honestly say I don't think I can do this! Of course I'm locked into it now so I have no choice. I will survive this next few months. I know I will. I still doesn't make the here and now any easier.
Baby girl is going through something I don't quite understand. She doesn't talk to me much about things anymore and asking her how her day was never comes without a look of annoyance. She has become a little withdrawn from her dad and I and we are both having a hard time dealing with the fact that she just doesn't want to involve us in her life right now. She has always been a conscientious student and she expects as much from herself as we do from her. Lately though (all year long actually) there has been no homework and no talk at all about what is going on in her classes. We had parent teacher conference tonday and her teachers assure us that she's doing fine. One said she's handing in asignments a little late but she IS getting them done and passed in. They tell me she is always working on her lessons with free time that they give them in class and I suppose that is how the homework is getting done but I am still uneasy about the fact that I never see her finished work. I don't know what's going on with her but I am determined to figure it out.
On a more positive note (yes, I do have so good aspects of my life) I am almost done with the holiday shopping. Hubby and I went by ourselves this past weekend and managed to get almost everything we needed. I still have a few things to get and a ton of cash to stuff into envelopes for those people I have now idea on what to get them. But, things are coming together nicely and I am getting excited about the dreaded holiday. Thanksgiving will be small with only my parents coming. I love to entertain and would love a bigger crowd but just having five of us here will be much easier and less stressful. I might even be able to wait until Thursday to put up my tree. I thought I would have to put it up early this week due to having no time at all to get it done. I know my food will be good and I am looking forward to a relaxing evening enjoying my pies after a delicious meal. I just might have to pop in a good Christmas movie and drink a little eggnog to top off what I see is going to be an easy day.
Blogging probably won't happen until next week sometime for me but I want to tell you all to have a wonderful Thanksgiving and every one of us has the right to overeat from time to time.
Til next time take care and love to all.
Things I am thankful for...My dughter, my husband, my closest friends and family, the sun peeking through from time to time and a good song on the radio. I am also thankful for my blogger buddies, and the endless support they give me when I need it the most. My cats! Can't forget my animals and the unconditional love they give me every day. And my health isn't all that bad at the moment so I am thankful for that also. I'm thankful for chocolate because I know there have been days that I bet I wouldn't have made it through without it. And as always I am thankful that God is guiding me through each and every day of my life.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Oh What A Week!!!
 I started my job this week as Cheering Coach for my daughters school. I have had two practices and have already had to deal with some pretty nasty problems. One cheerleader came to me yesterday at the school (oh, I forgot to mention that this is the week that I do the book fair all day on top of my new job) and she handed me a note from another cheerleader that said the words "You are a fucking dumbass FAT cheerleader. You are the fattest fucking cheerleader I've ever seen". Then I had an issue with one cheerleader who can't afford the sneakers so I had to go to the school and approach the "student needs program" with it. I'm ordering her sneakers anyway! Then I had a mom call me and tell me that she would like it if I could keep her daughter and another girl away form each other on the squad because they hate each other. Well, I can't do that with only 12 girls on the team now can I? It's all just a mess of shit that I'm trying to deal with and get out of the way so we can start having some fun!  The book fair is going ok. Long days in the lobby of the school and doing is alone isn't easy, but I'm managing. I'm dragging my ass on the ground but I'm managing. We are about three quarters to out goal and hopefully by Friday noon we will have reached it. The kids have been coming in by the loads, 20 or more at a time, and most of them have no clue and cough and hack all over me so I know that I'll be sick for Thankgiving...I JUST KNOW IT!  Thanksgiving...AH! Theres a thought! I can't wait for the turkey and pies. And after that I'm even getting anxious for Christmas. I MIGHT even put my Christmas tree up this weekend. I long for peaceful evenings in front of the television watching my nice lights on my tree and looking at all my ornaments and just feeling all "cozy" just like the Grinch did after he acted like a jerk! So that's what's going on in my life at the moment. I know this isn't a very long post but I wanted to touch with all of you and let you know I'm still alive. After this week things will calm down a bit and I hope to get back to regular blogging...FUN blogging! Hope all of you are well and I will still be reading your every word. Love to all.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Annoying Little Habits!
Lately it has been brought to my attention that annoying little habits are all around us and some of us don't even realize how annoying we are. Some of the things annoying me have always been right there in front of me and never seemed to bother me until recently. I wonder why that is. Let me tell you a few things that have bugged me and see if they would bug you also...
someone sitting and clicking something, whether it be thier finger nails or a pen or tapping their fingers, while you are trying to watch a good show on the tube....
someone instant messaging over and over when you obviously avoiding them by not answering...do they ever quit?
someone using their ustensil to scrape or stir whatever they are eating, over and over and over...the noise of the metal on the plate is enough to drive you nuts!
men who brush thier teeth and then hack and spit at the end...like they swallowed half the toothpaste. Never said men were a graceful sort of creature.
how about someone that badmouths someone you love, and because you don't want to walk on eggshells with this person you go along with it even though what you really want to do is give them a good tongue lashing.
Someone who talks and talks when you are trying to watch a good movie
Oh, here's a good one for all you pet owners...what about when you are sleeping better than you have in days and the damned cat decides to lick your face at 5:00am. I hate that!
what about these bratty little kids of ours that have no manners and chew with their mouths open so all you hear is spit.
the mailman comes and it has been raining and becasue this certain mailman thinks he's more holy than God and can do anything he wishes, your mail is all stuck together wet.
then there's the obvious annoyances...inconsiderate people that don't cover their mouths when they cough...stickers that the store puts on something and there's just no way you can get all the residue off...the little old lady/man that drives about fifteen miles an hour on the day that you seem to be late for everything.
Now, I am no prude...I know that I have annoying little habits just like everyone else. I tend to "overthink" things and when I'm stressed about things it's even worse. I always have to have the last word in an argument with hubby. I stutter when I talk. I get tongue tied and laugh too much when I'm nervous or talking to someone I feel inferior to. I'm a computer hog and hate it when other people read my email. and it's rather annoying the way I am so paranoid about germs, if you have even a hint of a cough don't come to my house.
All of us have the power to change ourselves so those annoying little habits are no more...I really am trying to change so my own aren't as annoying. Now I wish others would do something about thier annoying habits also. And those of you out there that think they have none...you are all a bunch of liars and that might be the most annoying habit of all. I can say this, that is one habit that I'm proud I don't have...I don't lie!
Annoyances can be funny at times too, like the cat licking your face one. Do any of you want to add to my list...feel free.
What Will The Day Bring?
Today is like any other day...Kid off to school, errands to run, house to clean. Your average run of the mill kind of day. It's a shortened school week for the Friday holiday and because of that there is a dance at the school tonight. This will be the first of my daughters dances that I am NOT chaperoning and it feels wierd. Like I should be there! But, I have to work tonight so it's just not possible. I think this will be a good transition for baby girl anyway. Time to cut those apron strings. So, as I sit here watching Survivor tonight she will be swinging her hips to funky music and having a grand time.
Tomorrow won't be you average run of the mill day though...Hubby took a floater so we could get that dreaded Christmas shopping done...YES PEOPLE, I SAID DONE!!! I am refusing to go into the stores after Thanksgiving because of the craziness of it all and since my coaching job starts next week, tomorrow will be the only day I can really do the shopping. I am already dreading it. We will hit the mall in the morning, (and TJMaxx, Target, Burlington, Walmart, The Ski Shop, Kohls, Best Buy...this list goes on and on...) and I will drag myself into the house with a major headache and an empty checkbook probably late evening. It will be a long a dreaded day. Hubby has his own ideas on shopping so I'm sure there will be arguments and baby girl wants to go with us so that means no shopping for her. That's a major downer. I was hoping to get a bunch of stuff for her also. I will have to go again sometime to finish up without her tagging along. Don't have a clue when that is supposed to happen since I have no free days. I do have Saturdays but Oh, It SCARES me to think aobut what the stores will be like in a couple of weeks.
This morning I think I'm off to buy skis for Baby Girl. Hubby and I wanted to do it together but I don't see it happening. I will go see Todd at the ski shop
 and see what kind of deal he can give me and if I find something I like I will let hubby stop in his way home from work to ok my selection and purchase them. Sounds like a difficult way to do it but what choice do I have? I just want this whole gift buying process over with quickly...it's worse than pulling teeth and cleaning toilets! ARGH!
On a brighter note, last night I did some cooking. Needed to clean out the overstuffed freezer to make room for my turkeys so I used up the tomatoes and made chili. It will be easy meals for a few days so that's a great thing. Just heat and eat! I also embarked on a mission to make a perfect Key Lime Pie. First time I've ever made one and I'm almost frightened to have a taste. I'm sure it won't compare to the one I had a couple of weeks ago at Longhorn. This one has a light meringue on it and I'm not sure I'll like that. I think I'll go try it now...I know it's early but I'm anxious to see what it's like.
So, that's what the day will be like...I wonder how many monkey wrenches I'll have to jump over? Later Peeps!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
A Better Mood...FINALLY!
I promised myself that I would not abandon my "post" and that no matter how I was feeling about things I would continue with this blogger thing. Although I read many every day I find it hard to post about the same old thing every day. My latest posts have been about negativity in my life and it's something I just don't want to think about anymore. So, now I am on my own mission to find a more positive place to be. Yes, all the negative stuff is still happening and even more negative things have surfaced since my last post, but for now I am putting it in the back of my mind and I will only think about it on my own time. So, Here are some positives in my life...
I mentioned in an earlier post that I got the coaching position I had applied for. It really wasn't that difficult to get the job...I was the only applicant. This past week I have spent about three hours a day on paperwork and organization. Finally today I think I am ready to begin. The first practice will be on the 14th and I am extremely nervous that I will be a total flop. I have high expectations for myself and the squad and I just want to do something RIGHT for a change. I will be very disappointed in myself if I don't do a good job. The squad is a small one and that is going to make it difficult to organize stunt groups but I will manage somehow.
Next week is my week of volunteering also for the school. I have always felt that volunteering is an important part of my life. I will be running the annual Fall Book Fair to raise money and receive books for the library...another cause that is close to my heart. The week will be a busy one...starting at the book fair at 6:45 am and not ending til after cheering practice at 4:00. I'm excited to see what I can do to invite a bigger crowd to the fair. It will be tough getting people to come and spend money the way the world is right now, with gas and oil prices skyrocketing. Maybe if I get the word out that books make a great gift idea it might draw people in. I'll be thinking for the rest of the week on it and how I can make it successful for the school.
I'm getting some of my shopping done for the holidays and after unloading a lot of my stress on my husband I've actually been able to enjoy it for the most part. I always enjoy finding something I know will please my family and friends when they unwrap on Christmas morning. I took my dughter and niece to a craft fair this past weekend and that was fun too and I got a few ideas on what they might like for Christmas. It's been a difficult year trying to find things for baby girl. She's at a tough age and it makes it more difficult when I have a daughter taht asks for NOTHING. Now I know some of you think that's a crock...13 year olds thrive on seeing how much they can get out of their parents. Well, not my baby. She says that being with family and celebrating by just being together is more important than any gifts she could receive. And she REALLY means it. Yes she has a wish list like any other kid but her list has hardly anything on it. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right in raising my daughter and that she is going to be taking good morals with her as she embarks on her own life.
As the holidays near I'm looking forward to something that I thought wasnt' going to happen this year...I'm actually looking forward to spending time with the in-laws. No not all of them but I'm really excited to be spending time with those who are most important to me. I have high hopes and a picture in my head on how I think the whole weekend will go and I just hope it really comes close to what I'm thinking. I really need the getaway. I also plan on getting a little tipsy that weekend too...but not to the point that I don't have a good time. I'm going to keep thinking positively and keep my fingers crossed that we all have an enjoyable weekend.
So...that's it for tonight but I am going to try to keep those negative burdens in the back of my mind. They will still be there and I will deal with them at another, more convenient time. Have a wonderful week ahead my friends...till next time...
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Just Getting By...
Ook...Many of you have been on my case for not posting anything for a while. If you read my last post you will have realized that I've been going through some stuff, and although it may not have seemed that "intense" to some of you, it is still that way for me. Actually no even more so...
I am trying to spend time thinking aobut hwat the root of all my problems are and so far I haven't figured it out. I am better, not quite as sad, but I still cry just about every day and many times during the day I have a terrible overwhelming feeling wash over me.
As for what has been going on in my life, well, not a whole lot. I got the coaching position for cheerleading that I applied for so that will keep me busy until February. I'm a little nervous about it but I am finding support in a very good friend and it helps. Baby Girl is ecstatic that I will be coaching her again. I bet because she thinks she will get special treatment from mom...NOT!
Hubby has been working too many hours, not by choice, and I miss him every day. He does have vacation coming up in a couple of weeks but it will be spent hunting. I will be running a book fair at the school that entire week so time spent with hubby will be very little. Anyone out there want to donate a second honeymoon to Hawaii to me? Hubby and I need the time away! LOL
I have been trying to get some holiday shopping done. It isn't going as smoothly as I had hoped. I stressed out about Hubby's family and had a major meltdown about having it all on my shoulders and sweet Hubby up and said he'd handle anything that had to be done for his side. I didn't realize it until today what a relief it was for me.  Thank goodness for my dear husband.
I have done quite a bit of shopping for my daughter and it has been pretty easy so far. She asked for very little and when we discussed it with her she said there just wasn't anything she really wanted and asked if we could get a digital camera for all of us instead of extra under the tree...so...now I'm in the market for a decent digital. Any suggestions out there?
Weather has turned colder up here in rural Maine but I love it. I long for evenings under a comfy blanket watching movies and eating popcorn. I look forward to cross country skiing, even though I'll probably end up with a broken neck from it. Hubby and I ALWAYS take long walks after supper when there is a light snow falling and I can't wait for that either. The cold on the other hand we can all do without.
I have some medical shit going on and I really SHOULD get myself to the doctors office soon. Just never seems to be enough time or money for it. I would elaborate on the stuff going on but I really don't htink it's anything other than me getting older. Some of my close friends think I'm playing with fire...maybe I am. I just hate doctors and usually have to be pretty sick before I'll go. It's just the way I am. Some of the problems have to do with my teeth and that will be ok to wait on. Other problems have to do with "women" issues. Believe me you don't want to know! And I'm not really sure where the depression and crying is steming from. I'll figure it all out someday and until then I just go through the motions of the day everyday.
I know this isn't my usual type of post but I wanted to let you all know that I'm ok and thank you for caring enough to wonder about me. Soon I'll be back to my usual self and I'll do some awesome posts...until then remember that I read each and every one of you every day. And most of you make me smile. Thank you for that! Love to you all....
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